The other day, i went on a walk and started wondering if I am in love with God. I got very sad in that moment, because a flood of emotions came over me when i realized how much i missed God in that moment. and how much i struggle to trust Him. it surprises me when i stop in the midst of all of my busyness. i suddenly realize that God is present. and it makes me sad to find that i have not really fallen into that opportunity. the opportunity to live and breathe and exist in the depth of God's love.
I have been hurt in life. I have been let down. And i know that there are oceans of depths to work through with God because if it. We may not outwardly blame God for the bad things that happen to us. But most of us have to admit that when it comes to trusting again, God becomes the object of our distrust.
The band and I are in Winchester VA today. We played at Creationfest in Shirleysburg, PA today. We played 2 and 1/2 songs and it started to rain so we had to stop the concert.
On the way here we had way too much time to sit there in the plane to think and to pray. This trip has left me with a lot of time to recognize how hungry i am for God. That in the midst of my "distrusting" there is a cry in me that won't give up. It cries to connect at a heart-level and be completely vulnerable and honest. I found myself on the plane, just talking to Him. Sharing my pains and pleas. Asking that He redeem what was lost and all that i strive for. Asking that He open the doors and bless this season with abundance. Asking that He take my heart and wrap it up in His.
I am in love with God. It may be full of tender points and distrusts. But as love never fails, we never give up on each other.